Today was a good day. Dan and I took the kids to Magic Mountain and went on some rides (Twisted Colossus – is seriously crazy!), then came home and sat in the pool on the Baja step while the spillways ran… it was beautiful. Barbecued some turkey burgers for dinner. Very thankful for this day. But there is something I feel I want to share with you. Especially to all you mothers who have lost a child. Many moms have reached out to me in comments on posts I’ve made on our Amazing Gavin Facebook page, and shared with me that you understand my grief and pain, and I want you to know I’ve heard you, and you’re right. Yes, it’s only 7, almost 8 months since Gavin’s been gone to Heaven, but you’re right. The tears are still right behind my eyes, every moment. The pain and heartache have not gotten any better. When I hear songs that he loved and I think of how he was, and what he loved to do and what he looked like doing them, and the happy things he always said, and the patience and kindness and love he always displayed, and the happy eyes I miss so much… it’s almost more than I can take. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal surrounded in a heartache and sadness that I know will never go away. Yet I need to stay busy, and I can’t let it consume me or I will drown in the sadness. It is mind over matter now. Completely. There is nothing I can do that will bring Gavin back, and my family will never be complete again. Never like it was, again. So, I look forward to Heaven.
There has been one source of comfort though, other than the enjoyment of interaction with Ryan and Nicholas – whom I also adore and support and am thankful to have been given by God, to raise into good Godly men (hey, I’m trying anyway), and the gratitude of having a wonderful supportive husband who is faithful and patient and – who is also hurting, yet he does what he needs to do for his family, every single day of his life.
I’m also thankful to have a real estate career that I’ve gotten back into, and am already busy with new clients – I have always loved being a Realtor… but now I have a new purpose with any funds I generate from my business. Yes, it helps keep me busy, but…
That source of comfort has been God – the Bible – God’s word. All you moms out there who have lost a child, and I know some of you have lost your only child… you told me the sadness and hurt never fades, even after 35 years for some of you. Well, I believe it. In many ways I do not look forward to life because I know every day will be another day without Gavin. Without my ‘sweet baby’. Seeing and experiencing his last moments. Remembering the pure joy of his first. Remembering sometimes all he went through, and with such a good attitude. I miss him so much. He was something so special… and humans screwed up his life. Trusting humans. Being fooled by doctors. Sure, they did what they knew and how they’d been trained, and they know that very well… but it’s wrong. It’s just so wrong. I can’t even go into how much I miss him and how wrong what happened to him was, because the tears will fall again. Yet at the same time, because of God, there is much to live for and much to do for Him – to help people with what I’ve learned, and to know Him better, because my eyes and my ears and my heart have been opened in ways I never imagined possible before. Gavin is with God, because he knew Jesus… and for that I am unspeakably thankful.
I encourage anyone who is dealing with a heartache they feel they cannot process… and I know that is lots of you… whether it’s the loss of a child or not… to seek God and read His word for yourself. Ask Him to help you understand His word. There, in Him, is the comfort you seek! It is the only comfort that can ever come close to true comfort ever again. The only possibility for peace that we have here on earth, when our whole lives have changed in this horrible way. Booze won’t do it – that wears off. Drugs, gambling, retail therapy of any kind… sex? Vacations? Platitudes? Niceties? All of that wears off and is of temporary comfort and also comes at some sort of cost – if any comfort at all – even for a short while. It’s worthless. Meaningless. But through FAITH in God’s Son, Jesus, we have something spectacular and lasting to look forward to… and in the meantime, inner PEACE. Strength. And a love so comforting, there is no choice but to realize what it means to truly put Him first. Fear is gone. Living for God becomes everything, and life becomes a distant second. That just doesn’t come from anywhere else. It can’t. It just won’t. And it’s FREE.
Yes, you can seek distractions from what aches your heart… but you won’t find the peace you are looking for. The peace and comfort of knowing your loved one is really in a better place, and WHY. and HOW. As much as it hurts… it is the best comfort you can possibly find when the worst possible thing has happened. The earthly loss of someone you loved so much, and tried to save, and would have done anything for, with all your heart and all your soul, and everything you have.
Yes, I know I’m rambling… as I often do. I just wanted to share my eternal gratitude, and how I stay sane, despite my earthly heartache, which knows no depths… and encourage you, dear moms and fellow broken hearted… to seek Him for yourselves. I’m so glad I did. I’m glad I knew where to look. I couldn’t get through any of this life anymore, without Him.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.