I think about Gavin every single day. He is in my almost every thought, other than when I am working with real estate clients or helping someone with their health… but even then he is there. After all, everything I know about health is because I tried so hard to understand it first, for him, and for the boys.
I never wanted to know all this stuff. Believe me, I wanted to compartmentalize it all and be able to outsource it to doctors and specialists we trusted to tell us what to do, so I could go on believing that our lives wouldn’t have to change and we could go on thinking how we thought before, and doing what we did before, and as long as we gave the boys the medicines they prescribed… everything would be fine. And that’s what we were led to believe, so we did. But every now and then I remember hearing them tell us that “at some point the medicines will fail” and I didn’t really understand what that meant. I thought, if we kept the boys away from high concentrations of certain sorts of pathogens that they were susceptible to infections by… we would tilt the odds in our favor and not get any sort of horrible infection, right? If we followed the rules, why couldn’t the good fortune go on indefinitely? In all their lives, they’d hardly gotten any serious infections and in fact were much healthier, relatively, than any other kids we knew. They never had a fever, hardly ever missed school, got plenty of rest, had lots of energy, never missed a dose of their meds, ate ‘better’ than the average kid, that’s for sure… and so the ignorance was able to go on. The believing in what the doctors were telling us was able to go on. But a lifetime of pharmaceuticals is no way to live. It’s slavery in so many ways.
We followed everything our specialists did and told us to, and took all their meds, and suffered through the surgeries, yet the infection kept coming back and advancing no matter what. It was such a helpless feeling, to be told there was really nothing we could do… but knowing now what I didn’t know then, I don’t believe that was true. I do believe the doctors and specialists believe that though, because that’s how they think, and that’s why they told us that… but it isn’t true. Bodies become sick and diseased, for one thing, because of the toxicity that pharmaceuticals layer upon layer, add to our bodies. They become acidic and full of mucous to suppress infection and irritation, and so become oxygen depleted and THEN BECOME places where disease and infection can thrive. The junk lines our gut and prevents us from being able to function properly, so that we can’t heal ourselves, and robs us of the very nutrients we need to survive. Germs don’t get into our bodies and make us sick… it’s the other way around. You see?!
I watch something on TV with the boys, and I see Gavin in it, or I remember how Gavin loved it too. We go on a bike ride as a family, like we did last night, and I remember riding Gavin on the tag-along bike attached to mine, and we all remember how much Gavin loved to do that too. The boys and I went to the library the other day and checked out some of Gavin’s favorite books and read them to each other at bed time, because we know Gavin touched those books before and loved those stories too. We are going to take the train to Santa Barbara this week and we remember that the last time we did that, Gavin was with us there, too. I drive by the kids old preschool and I see that sign out front and I remember him standing there as I took his precious picture when he started there, so happy, and how it all started to fall apart shortly thereafter. I walk by his picture on the wall in the hallway and I remember how happy he was despite all he was going through and it breaks my heart. I remember how his skin was so sun sensitive and he had started to get sun spots on his beautiful face and how some mean, punk older brothers of one of the kids in his kindergarten class used to make fun of the spots on his skin, and how he cried to me one night about it, and how that broke my heart into a million pieces. A million pieces. Gavin hardly ever cried, but he cried that night and it still literally breaks my heart, even now.
Being without him is the most awful thing ever. I hate what happened to him. Yes, I love our family that remains. But I remember watching Gavin’s struggle to breathe that horrible morning in the ambulance, and I sometimes feel the exact same struggle myself, somewhere deep inside, except there is no way out of this life for me until it is my time. I am a wife, a mother, and all that goes along with all that. I have no choice but to go on and make the best of it, despite the pain. So I try to focus on the things I have to do while I’m ‘here’, and what God wants me to do, and trying to make a happy home for Ryan and Nicholas, who have their “sad, missing their little brother” moments too… we all do… and I try to not give attention to that feeling of the walls closing in on me with nowhere to go to escape my heartache. Because I can’t. and there is nowhere to go. The only place to go is to God because there is nobody else who understands. There are people who care, but nobody I can talk to who actually understands.
And anyway, life as we know it here goes on, doesn’t it? People are sad for us, but thankful it didn’t happen to them. We all have our own struggles in different ways, I surely do understand that. Let me tell you, kindness matters. Anyone who knows anything about me knows I don’t do fake. I don’t do hypocrisy… and I tell it like it is. Because life’s too short for anything other than honesty. Speaking from the heart with honesty IS kindness, to me. Because treating others the way you would hope to be treated yourself really matters. I tell people the things I wish I had known then, and what I would appreciate someone telling me now. Loving God with all your heart and all your soul and everything you have, and treating every single person you meet as you would hope to be treated yourself, is all that matters.
And at the same time as all this heartache I am thankful for what God is doing in my life right now. How crazy is all this? This is all just more ramblings of this grieving mother, I know.
Thank you for opening your heart a bit and listening to what I write and share. I want to be happy. I have all the tools I need. I have God and a desire to serve Him, my health, knowledge, and a beautiful family. I have someone in Heaven waiting for me. But if someone could please remind me of how each of our days are numbered and there was nothing I could have done, because when his time was up… that was all there was, and everything happened how it was supposed to in God’s greater plan for Gavin, me, and everyone, I could use it right now. I would love to have anyone please remind me how nothing leaves this earth until God’s purpose for it has been fulfilled. I would appreciate that so much… thank you