Rambling Thoughts of a Grieving Mother

It’s been a long hard realization for me that God knows my own thoughts and capabilities better than I know them myself. And it’s also been a long, hard realization for me that God is in control of every single thing that goes on in this world – the good and the bad. Yes, we have free will, but only as it fits in to His greater plan. Romans 8:28 tells us that He works all things to the bigger benefit of the good of those who love him… and the Lord works in mysterious ways, that’s for sure. The days of our lives are all numbered, as are the hairs on our heads. So, I give up. I give in.

You can think you know who you are, and that you’re putting ‘out there’ the “you” that you want the world to see, but God knows you better. He knows me better too. And things are going to turn out how God wants them to, not you, and that’s just the way it is. And whatever is going on with you… whatever you’ve got, good or bad, there is a way to use it for God’s glory. Find it. Overcome it, learn from it, share it, die from it, but do it with love, and leave a legacy of God’s love for others through your own self, by your actions. Point people to Heaven.

As I sit here and write, or think, or go about my daily life, I am haunted – just haunted – by everything that has happened over the past 2 1/2 years culminating in the loss of one of my most precious possessions. Something of my very own, I thought. My child. My baby boy. My husband goes to an office every morning, and the kids go to school, but I am here at home, mired in it all. Walking past that empty room. A house full of memories. The blessing and the curse of self-employment. Did you know I’m a Realtor? Well, I used to be anyway. I still enjoy it, and I’m good at it… but my priorities have been with my son and my family.

After lots of thought, I believe God allowed Gavin to get this horrible illness because He knew that deep down I loved Gavin more than anything or anyone, including Him. Would I have ever admitted to that? No. Even to myself? No. Because I know better. The Bible tells us we are to put God first in all things, and if we do not, we are not worthy. Jesus said it, plain as day in Matthew 10:37. Upon serious self-examination, I must admit it was the truth. Gavin was my baby, and I loved that boy more than anything. I did. He was just the most precious love bug in every way. He was gorgeous, he was kind, he was patient and snuggly and so funny and brave and smart. He was ‘mine’ or so I thought, and I could not imagine life without him, and I put taking care of him before anything. Moms – don’t you feel this way about your kids, too?? I couldn’t see putting anyone above my children… sometimes even my awesome husband, but I do now. I’m still adjusting, but I get it now, and it’s confession time. That’s what this is. I’m coming clean.

Was this a punishment for some sin? No, that’s not what I’m saying. Jesus said in John 9:2 that the reason for all things, illness too, is “so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

God knew me well enough to know that, “good person though I was”, I did not put Him first. I didn’t. I freely admit it. Therefore, I was not worthy. God knows our innermost thoughts, even the ones we don’t admit to ourselves. And He knows yours, too. History has all been written and the Bible is a thorough and complete account of it all, including showing us the end. God WINS. The god of this world is evil, and he loses, and that little voice inside maybe could have told me, if I’d listened… but instead I chose to see those images or thoughts as fleeting images or fears but perhaps in hindsight, they were premonitions. That’s something I have to live with.

God is SOVEREIGN in all things. I get that now. Nothing happens without first his allowance of it, the good and the bad (Exodus 4:11). If we think about it, for the most part we’ve all been trained to see things in earthly ways. In selfish ways. After all ‘earth’ is where we are. We see things through human eyes, and so to “us” the loss of a loved one is the terrible end. To God though, who is above all that – it isn’t. The ignorance and self-centeredness of society has conditioned us to think in earthly ways, has it not? And what of it supports God? Very little. We are on our own to learn God’s truths, to have them “click”, but I believe each of us have a purpose for our lives, a purpose for God… and therefore a destiny to fulfill. Think of all the great stories of the Bible, if you know them. Did those people see it coming? Mostly not. But God doesn’t put up with non-compliance! That’s how God works. He is not luke warm. Further, if you haven’t read “As Silver Refined” by Kay Arthur… I really recommend it.

I am but a cog in the wheel of this world, and so are you. But we each have a special purpose for God. For good. Something unique to each of us that can be used to get through to others. How will we use it? Do we know what it is yet?

God works all things to the good of those who love Him, and as we know, not everyone loves Him. Some of us are meant to be lessons to others, some of us are messengers. Each of us play a part. As for me, my earthly devastation over losing my baby boy has changed my life, taught me volumes, and inspired me to speak to others about all of it. Health and Jesus. That about sums it up for me. God is love, and He doesn’t show partiality, and He has showed me in no uncertain terms that “home” is HEAVEN, not here on earth. That’s the bottom line. Through Gavin’s death… he showed my family and I the path to life. And Jesus is the only way. That’s what I’m getting out of all this. I miss my boy, but I gain everything, and Gavin is already there. In heaven.

Was all this available for us to read in the Bible prior to Gavin’s death? Of course it was. But would I have found it? Certainly if I had seen it before… it didn’t register like it has now. You can tell by my life, by my words, my actions, my everything, that my mind has been transformed. My “fruit” has completely changed. I would like to think it didn’t take all this to get through to me, but it’s gotten my attention now. All of this was part of God’s plan. Everything is.

In trying to think like God might, I’d think that to God… Gavin IS home. And that’s the goal, right? Heaven. Gavin just got there before we did. Only to us here on earth has he died. As much as it hurts me to even say it, I guess his purpose was fulfilled. God’s purpose for Gavin – not ours. I believe that despite my pain, God knew I would see it this way, and He also knew I would share my thoughts and testimony with many, many people – because that’s what I do. I write. I talk. I’m a relater. And although I don’t think I am able to lead people to God, Christ can… and Christ now lives in me. (Galatians 2:20)

Food for thought is all anyone can ever give to someone in this regard. The ability to “see” lies within each one of us.

Jesus didn’t come to bring peace, but a sword. To separate the children of God from those who are not. Perhaps some can’t “see” it yet… perhaps some never will. I don’t know. Will everyone see it this way? No, of course not… because John 8:47 tells us that not everyone hears the words of God, but they hear the words of “their” father. And that’s OK…I’m just compelled to share my thoughts with anyone who will listen, as food for thought.

To me, Gavin’s death is the terrible thorn in my side for the rest of my life (2 Cor 12:7-10). You see, Gavin was heaven to me. He was. I mean, is not the love we have for our children… a glimpse of Heaven?? I think it’s supposed to be something we can relate to, that can focus us toward ACTUAL heaven. That eternal perspective. “His grace is sufficient for me.” It is for all of us. And boy… that thorn really hurts. But the message is clear to me now.

It took losing the person I loved most in this world – to turn me, heart and soul, words and actions, to God – but THAT was part of God’s plan all along. I suspect that to God, He just took Gavin HOME. To God, it all works out in the end, for good. I see that now. There was a reason for all of this, every moment of it. I think of all that Gavin’s life has taught me, and all I can now do to help others because of him, and I know for certain that He is taking care of His people… and as for Gavin, he was already His right from the beginning. He was just on loan to me.

I am eternally grateful that God showed me the light.


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